What’s a 90’s Dad?
It’s a term my wife and I jokingly use when we see a Dad barely dabbling in parenting. We remember a lot of Dads in the 90’s just kinda getting off easy when it came to the hard parts of parenting.
“Change a diaper? Gross! Wake up when the baby cries? But I have to work tomorrow! Cook a meal? I can barely cook a hot pocket!”
They passed off almost everything to their wives – childcare, cooking, cleaning, or any responsibilities other than making money. And honestly, that sounds like a great deal. Who wouldn’t want that? It’s like E-biking. Whenever it gets hard, you can make it not hard at all. Only in this case, your wife is the bike. Terrible deal for her.
But times have changed.
Back in the 1990’s (and for many generations prior), it was typical to have the Homer Simpson setup: Dad works to make money, Mom stays home with the kids and maintains the house. Some people still have this setup and that’s totally fine. Keeps the lines nice and clean. If you can keep your marriage healthy and your kids happy this way, don’t change a thing.
But that’s not a reality for many anymore. Over the last 50 years, women’s wages have increased nearly 2-4x more than men’s have. In addition, due to stagnant wage growth compared to inflation, it’s much harder to support a family on a single income.
While the Homer Simpson way™️ sounds simple and straightforward, being duel-working parents creates a unique balance between partners. Because my wife and I both work, we’re both accountable for sharing the parenting load, otherwise known as equally shared parenting. It also divides the financial pressure amongst two of us, eliminating the make-or-break nightmare fuel of being let go or fired.
This means 90’s Dad behavior is overdue for a firmware update.
If it’s unreasonable to support a family on one income, then it’s also unreasonable to expect one parent to take care of the kids, shop for groceries, cook all the meals, clean the dishes, keep the house tidy, and do laundry all while also working a full-time job.
Even though a duel income is the reality for many families, I still hear about countless Dads who slip right into 90’s mode. They let their working wives handle everything while they go skiing and golfing every weekend. Meanwhile, their wives are stuck with the kids day in and day out, drowning in chores and growing resentment towards their husbands.
Just lurk through the posts on r/marriage to see how ugly and one-sided some relationships can get. It’s pretty sad to read about the very fucked over wives of checked out husbands.
Modern woman remember that era of broken marriages all too well, and they don’t wanna repeat the same mistakes. They expect men to be better – more observational, selfless, caring, and not conveniently oblivious to the demands of parenting.
A great way to frame it is ask yourself this question: What’s your surplus value in your family? Do you add value to their lives or are you a net negative on your wife and kids? I love this because it really forces you to be accountable for how you contribute.
So I started this blog to re-define what it means to be a good Dad and Husband.
To be clear, there are thousands of different ways to be a good father and husband. If you are the sole breadwinner, that’s badass. You’re providing for your family in an extremely meaningful way. Whatever your situation is though, we can all agree that this shit is hard. And we never get it entirely right. But one thing I’m absolutely certain of is this:
Being a good parent means being a good partner.
If you care about your wife’s wellbeing, then you won’t let her do everything. If you don’t let her do everything, she won’t grow resentful of your lack of help and effort. If she doesn’t grow resentful, your relationship will have a better chance of thriving because a sense of equality has been set. If a sense of equality is set, your chances of staying in love and not getting a divorce increase immensely.
It’s not only great for your marriage, but it’s also great for your kids.
If you engage with the childcare duties, you get more one-on-one time with your kid. If you get more one-on-one time, your child bonds with you and feels comfortable. If your child is comfortable with you, he’s not so dependent on mom. If he’s not so dependent on mom, mom gets to have a break because you can handle him confidently. If you can handle him confidently, he’ll gain respect for you and have a great role model in his Dad.
Everybody wins.
Now that little breakdown is very simplified. It’s way harder done than said. We get tired. We don’t pick up the slack. Laundry piles up. Dishes rot. Babies cry and we pretend to stay asleep. It’s fucking hard to keep the train going. I’m certainly not perfect and still fall into 90’s Dad mode from time to time. It’s hard to re-wire our brains to do something many of our parents didn’t do and very few movies and TV shows make an example of.
But if you’re up for it, you’ll experience a much deeper connection and peace with your wife and kids.
And your wife will still want to bang you. Seriously, there’s evidence of it.
90’s Dads are conveniently oblivious to the insane workload their wives take on after having children. If they acknowledge this imbalance, it means they might have to step up and *gasp* help the woman they claim to love and care about! Because after all, if you saw your wife struggling, you’d feel sympathy for her and lend a hand, right?
Of course, some 90’s Dads were compassionate partners and loving fathers. They did their best to be improved versions of their own parents. And that’s what I’m trying to do too. We all should. Once you have a kid, everything in your marriage is up for re-negotiation in favor of what’s best for your kids and spouse. And that looks way different now than it did when I was growing up.