I see this dynamic from time to time with new parents:
A couple has a kid, and even though the dad seems hands on, the deeper they get into parenting, the more of a free pass Daddy gets to skip multiple bed times to see friends, ski, or play golf for 3 hours on Sunday.
“That’s men for ya!” she’ll lament to my wife. “It’s just different for us girls ya know?”
Cue my wife’s gag reflex.
That’s just not how it works for us. I don’t just assume she’ll be on the kids while I do my thing. It’s not a given – it’s a consideration. A negotiation really.
If I’ve been going out or traveling a lot lately, I’m outta husband equity. Gotta build some back up. Give her some time off while I juggle the kids.
But with these other couples, something else is going on. Is it because the wives don’t wanna be seen as nagging ball-and-chains? They just wanna be “chill” and go with the flow? Do they only have one young child who isn’t annoying yet? Or is it a control/trust thing and they think their husbands can’t handle more than 2 hours of *gasp* being alone with their own children!
Nobody plans for this
I think it’s super easy to brush off this unbalanced dynamic in the beginning. Moms are constantly breast-feeding, so they spend more time with the baby. Dads usually go back to work sooner, giving even more time back to Mom.
If both parents don’t work, the gender role trap is especially sticky.
Then very slowly, day by day, the division of labor erodes the equally shared parenting foundation. How could it not? Mom is with baby more, so she knows baby’s routines better. Dad works most days, so he’s getting less reps now.
He’ll never say it, but he’ll think it. “She’s got this.”
And she might! But does that mean she’s down to get this all the time? Hell no.
Some wives won’t let this slide. But some will. Like it’s just “what they signed up for.”
Bullshit. All he did to make this baby was shoot off some rounds then roll over, and now he gets another pass?
Expect more. It doesn’t mean you’re a bitch when you ask for help, it just means the balance is off and needs recalibrating.
The longer this goes on, the more it gets cemented, and the harder it gets to change.
Before long the wife has summited Mt. Resentment and the husband is completely thrown off when he notices her ascent.
Lemme dismount my high horse though
It’s easy to play armchair parent and judge other people’s setups. Ours isn’t perfect, and it took my wife getting a demanding job where she traveled often to turn me into a locked-in dad. Now I’m proud of how involved I am and feel disheartened and when I see other Dads let off the hook.
Who the fuck does he think he is to just get away with that?
I mean sure, it would be great to hold onto some semblance of my past life! Going out more frequently, having spare time at home, working on house projects uninterrupted.
But all that comes at the cost of my wife’s sanity and time for herself. It also comes at the cost of developing a relationship with my kids. Short term it feels fine, but long term it’s lose-lose.
Plus my wife would never in a million years hold me to such low expectations. That’s a good thing.