What’s a 90’s Dad?

It’s a term my wife and I jokingly use when we see a Dad barely dabbling in parenting. Much like a Dad in the 90’s, he’s passing off any tasks to his wife that have to do with childcare, cooking, cleaning, or any responsibilities other than bringing home the bacon.

“Change a diaper? Gross! Wake up when the baby cries? But I have to work tomorrow! Cook a meal? I can barely cook a hot pocket!”

90’s Dads are conveniently oblivious to the insane workload their wives take on after having children. If they acknowledge this imbalance, it means they might have to step up and *gasp* help the woman they claim to love and care about! Because after all, if you saw your wife struggling, you’d feel sympathy for her and lend a hand, right?

Of course, some 90’s Dads were compassionate partners and loving fathers. They did their best to be improved versions of their own parents. And that’s what I’m trying to do too. We all should. Once you have a kid, everything in your marriage is up for re-negotiation in order to re-tool what’s best for your kids and spouse. And that looks way different now than it did when I was growing up.

So what‘s changed?

Back in the 1990’s (and for many generations prior), it was typical to have the Homer Simpson setup: Dad works to make money, Mom stays home with the kids and maintains the house. Some people still have this setup and that’s totally fine. Keeps the lines nice and clean. Sometimes I wish I made enough to make this possible for my wife who very much wishes she had more time with our young boys.

But like it or not, over the last 50 years, women’s wages have increased nearly 2-4x more than men’s have. In addition, due to stagnant wage growth compared to inflation, it’s much harder to support a family on a single income.

For us, we need 2 incomes to support our family. At least the way we’d like to. And while the Homer Simpson way™️ sounds simple and straightforward, our setup of being duel-working parents has created a unique balance between us. Because we both work, we’re both accountable for sharing the parenting load, otherwise known as equally shared parenting. It also divides the financial pressure amongst two of us, eliminating a lot of the make-or-break nightmare fuel of getting let go or fired.

This means 90’s Dad behavior is overdue for a firmware update.

If it’s unreasonable to support a family on one income, then it’s also unreasonable to expect one parent to take care of the kids, shop for groceries, cook all the meals, clean the dishes, keep the house tidy, and do laundry all while also working a full-time job.

Even though a duel income is the reality for many families, I still hear about countless Dads who slip right into 90’s mode. They let their working wives handle everything while they go skiing and golfing every weekend. Meanwhile, their wives are stuck home with the kids in a dirty house, her resentment XP growing to alarming levels.

Just lurk through the posts on r/marriage to see how ugly and one-sided some relationships can get. It’s pretty sad to read about the very fucked over wives of checked out husbands.

A great way to frame it is ask yourself this question: What’s your surplus value in your family? Do you add value to their lives or are you a net negative on your wife and kids? I love this because it really forces you to be accountable for how you contribute.

So I started this blog to re-define what it means to be a good Dad and Husband.

To be clear, there are thousands of different ways to be a good father and husband. If you are the sole breadwinner, that’s badass. You’re providing for your family in an extremely meaningful way. Whatever your situation is though, we can all agree that this shit is hard. And we never get it entirely right. But one thing I’m absolutely certain of is this:

Being a good parent means being a good partner.

If you care about your wife’s wellbeing, then you won’t let her do everything. If you don’t let her do everything, she won’t grow resentful of your lack of help and effort. If she doesn’t grow resentful, your relationship will have a better chance of thriving because a sense of equality has been set. If a sense of equality is set, your chances of staying in love and not getting a divorce increase immensely.

It’s not only great for your marriage, but it’s also great for your kids.

If you engage with the childcare duties, you get more one-on-one time with your kid. If you get more one-on-one time, your child bonds with you and feels comfortable. If your child is comfortable with you, he’s not so dependent on mom. If he’s not so dependent on mom, mom gets to have a break because you can handle him confidently. If you can handle him confidently, he’ll gain respect for you and have a great role model in his Dad.

Everybody wins.

Now that little breakdown is very simplified. It’s way harder done than said. We get tired. We don’t pick up the slack. Laundry piles up. Dishes rot. Babies cry and we pretend to stay asleep. It’s fucking hard to keep the train going. I’m certainly not perfect and still fall into 90’s Dad mode from time to time. It’s hard to re-wire our brains to do something many of our parents didn’t do and very few movies and TV shows make an example of.

But if you’re up for it, you’ll experience a much deeper connection and peace with your wife and kids.

And your wife will still want to bang you. Seriously, there’s evidence of it.